Dear Maria: Cut The Cord
QUESTION:
Dear Maria,
Should I seek a guy who I fell in love with, but he doesn’t want a relationship? He acts like he is in a relationship and expects me to be there always. When he “friend-zoned” me I stopped acting like a lover and that seems to bother him a lot, but it bothers me to see him unhappy, If you get what I mean. He was in the porn industry and says that he lost interest in relationships, sex, people, etc., yet he constantly checks people out which annoys me and he knows it. His friend even told me he used to have feelings for me and also told me he’s been abused before, hence why he doesn’t want commitment.
When I was feeling down and empty due to many issues in my life I hugged him to find comfort from the chaos. I was in and he felt like I was falling for him and he said to me, “I don’t want to have that hug filled with feelings, as my feelings are dead.” That was my trigger point and destroyed me slowly to an extent.
After so many thoughts I decided to stop talking to him for my mental health. But eventually I couldn’t help it and continued meeting him, but as a normal friend, once a week. Before that, we used to hangout daily once or twice a day – sometimes even full days, constantly for 7 months. I was surprised myself because I’m a social guy, but I never spent that long time with someone on a daily basis. I’m honestly lost and don't know what to do. I’m a man of principles and religion, but for him I did the impossible that I never thought I’d do in my life.
Sincerely,
H.K.
ANSWER:
Hi H.K.,
Happy Spring! Thank you for writing in. I’m sure those are your initials, but as a New Yorker I can’t help but think about Hell’s Kitchen whenever I see HK. Haha! Now all I want is to bar hop with the gays!!!
Now, on a more serious note, your dilemma seems very common amongst readers who have been writing in lately, and honestly within society today. We are currently in a dating culture where people want all the benefits of sex and companionship without the commitment. I do find that we have a stronger sense of language today, and it’s fairly easy for people to express their feelings using several forms of outlets.
I’m a firm believer in the saying, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them!” In your case, he’s telling you flat out what he wants and doesn’t want. The worst thing you could do would be to exhaust yourself with hopeless effort in trying to get him to want something with you, when he is not in the space to receive this kind of partnership. Trying to force this relationship can be very damaging for the both of you in the long run, and it seems like you have a somewhat healthy friendship going on now since the “Lover” title has been removed. If you truly enjoy his friendship, why ruin that?
However, he doesn’t sound very kind or caring of your feelings in this situation – especially with how poorly he mishandled being a support system for you during your difficult time. In my opinion, I can’t see why anyone would want to be with someone who doesn’t provide comfort. That’s honestly the bare minimum.
My advice is if you feel strongly that you are still in love with him then you need to tell him candidly that this is what you are experiencing. Don’t leave any space for mixed messages or gray area. No matter what his reaction is when you express this, you should feel in the right that you have advocated for yourself and your truth. If it turns out he doesn’t have the same feelings as you (which is likely), you have to be prepared to accept that and move on; which honestly can be a blessing because you get to open your heart up for potential love from any other possible suitors. Make this conversation with him FINAL and afterward, bury it.
Write back in and let me know how the talk goes. Wishing you the best as I can tell you seem to really care for him. Good luck!
- Maria
