DEAR MARIA: MATCH OR UNMATCHED?

Dear Maria,

I need some advice and some good ole’ cheering up.

 It’s been quite some time that I’ve been single. Recently, I’ve been putting myself out there - giving it a whirl on a couple dating apps. I’ve been uncomfortable about using them in the past but thought I’d give it a shot. What did I have to lose?

Since being on them, I’m discovering a whole new level of rejection. I’m not really sure what goes through men’s heads when they start a conversation - I converse back and then they unmatch. I mean why? I had a guy match with me, I wrote him and the next thing I know he requests me on IG and then ends up unmatching me on the app and unfollows me. It’s exhausting! And what’s with not ever knowing if y’all are on the same page, or thinking that you are and it still ends in tragedy? I was talking with this guy for a few months back in the fall. We matched on a dating app. Every thing was great, talking every day, and after a few months we finally met. We chatted and had a great time and he had asked to see me again. We ended up getting together two more times after our initial date. I was feeling a shift in things a few weeks later. I decided to be open and honest with him on whether he wanted to continue with things. Within a matter of a week he realized he didn’t have the time or energy to be in a relationship. I couldn’t believe in just a short amount of time he came to that conclusion. I'm just super bummed about something that could’ve been great dissolved so quickly - not even giving it a real chance. When will I ever know that me and someone are on the same page? It’s like I’m the main star of the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

Sincerely,

Hopeless & Confused

ANSWER

Cmon! “He’s Just Not That Into You”  one of my favs!! Question is are you Drew or Scarlett LOL? 

WOW your letter hits home for me because these are my very own exact sentiments towards the dating culture today surrounding these apps. I find that while these dating apps are useful to help connect and meet new people in your area, they have created a culture that lacks any moral or respect. Even worse part is that it has become the norm. 

You are not alone hunny, it may not be the best but there are ways to navigate this new dating world we are in and I think the best way is not take it all too serious early on. For every 10 unsuccessful matches there is usually at least 1 that turns out to be a decent if not perfect connection. I find it’s very easy to know when you and someone are on the same page as far as interest because the effort is the proof. If the person remains consistent in the conversation and in the dates then that’s the sure sign they have some sort of interest in the situation. I understand this is the bare minimum but it’s the truth. 

There’s a sense of instant gratification on these dating apps, you match, quick conversation about meeting up, then deciding by a few profile pictures or exchanges if you in fact will meet up or not. It’s very simple, to the point, but lacks so much depth. How can two people possibly feel a true enough connection via a few messages to decide whether or not a person is worthy of dating? In reference to the guy you were chatting with in the fall this may easily be the case. He is sipping the koolaid of this fast paced decision making typically solely based on looks and the possibility of sex. 

Dating apps have birthed a very aggressive “hook-up” culture. Many adults are on these apps with zero desire to date. This is actually a very easy way to find a quick sexual encounter even if by default it requires some drinks and conversation. The ultímate goal is sex, yet sadly most times hidden behind kind conversation which can be awfully misleading. They would rather pretend to be interested until they get the sex they are after as opposed to saying from the beginning “ I’m looking for a hook-up”. Although you will find some are bold enough to start off with that, in which I totally respect their honesty. 

Sadly the ruthlessness of the unmatch has also empowered people to be immoral. As opposed to saying to the person you are exchanging with “I don’t think this is for me, let’s unmatch ... etc”  people will unmatch mid sentence and keep going. 

For some this has even become sport, I speak from experience (not proud of it) but often times I may even swipe to match on someone just to see if we would match. Without 100% having the intention to potentially date. I know that sounds terrible but there’s a large percentage of people on these sites playing this same game of “collect the matches” . 

So please don’t feel hopeless, the sense of “rejection” is just a result of a horrible standard that is now in place because of these dating apps. My advice is to research these apps, read reviews and testimonials. Ask some friends where they go to date to ensure the apps you are on are truly connection/relationship based. I know for a fact there are some apps that are woman created, with a focus on enforcing respect. Also don’t be afraid to go old school, as the world is beginning to open back up again it may be a great idea to fish around your community center, coffee shops, bars etc. 

Remember that dating is truly a commitment so if you want to prioritize it in your life you have to be prepared for all that comes with it including & especially when it doesn’t work out with someone. It’s all a part of the process. Understand that you are 1 out of hundreds of millions also trying to connect. We’re all in it together at some point at least I like to believe.

Keep your head up and keep trying 

– Maria